my senses around that full moon, and how I was being pulled to commit to something, were bang on target.
We discovered on Friday, confirmed on Saturday, that thanks to Charlie's airline pension, we will have a little financial windfall in August next year. It's not lottery money (to most people) but to us it is truly life-changing. After Charlie quit the airline in 2010 after 12 months off with stress we were plunged into a money nightmare at the worst point of the economic disaster. I had to carry the bills single-handedly on a relatively low part-time salary. I could have looked for full-time work but I chose to stay in a position that I'd held for eight years at that time - with promises (kept) from the Directors that there would be no redundancies - rather than potentially be the 'last in, first out' somewhere else. I'm not a 25 year old hotshot. I'm a woman of a certain age with a young child and ageing parents. I might not have appeared a good bet, employment-wise. Also, at the time, it was all firing, no hiring.
So we struggled on. And it was incredibly hard. Still is at times although Charlie has slowly grown a niche for his considerable talents that seems finally to be yielding fruit. Some of you will know only too well what life is like when your head is running numbers 24 hours a day. 'How far can I get on this petrol?', 'How many meals can I make from this?', 'How long before the child benefit payment hits my account and Evie can have shoes without holes?', 'Can I juggle this, that and those pennies to make sure I pay back the payday loan?'. Yes I went there and no, sometimes I couldn't. I benefited greatly from the generosity of friends and will never forget that, whatever else happens between us, but the anxiety never stopped.
Even on the days when things are easier and you treat yourself to a coffee or maybe even a train ticket to see some friends (as long as you can find free parking for your car near the station) instead of making shame-laden excuses, the joy gets sucked out of everything. You try this plan and that plan, hatch idea after idea, but when you have zero disposable income it's so hard to get anything off the ground. And so much time is taken dealing with day to day life when 'stuff' is old and broken and bodged together.
The three of us kept going. We nearly fell apart as a family but we decided, at the crunch point, that wasn't going to happen and slowly things got better.
Now twenty five years of being away from home, and having permanent jet lag finally have something to show for themselves. We can breathe, replace, repair, move forward and yes, even celebrate. We are not rich, but we are able to sleep. We are grateful.
And in all this...the blessings. As a family we are strong and devoted to each other. We have each discovered strengths and abilities that might have stayed uncovered in an easier situation. We have truly understood what our values are and what matters. What is real.
Through it all we hung on to this home, this place, because for both of us - quite possibly all three of us - its healing power was our salvation. For me, being able to be immersed in what has always given me power - nature, earth, water, life, peace - has meant remembering a way of being, believing, knowing and communicating with the sacred life force that carries us.
That place of deep communion with nature is what I call the sacred natural (the words I found for myself via Danielle LaPorte all those years ago!). It lifts me, informs me, grounds me and gives everything meaning.
Because of that, and in no small part the events of this year that have truly been (and continue to be) the personal revolution that named this blog, including this last one that brings freedom with it, I have made that decision the moon called for. I'm going in, stepping up, owning it. And I'm returning my online writing to its true home. This little blogging adventure is done, loved and retired. I'm going back to where I belong at The Art of Wildness and I'm hoping to share what I now know, and what I've yet to discover. I'll let you know when.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for always reading and always letting me know when I shared something that touched you. You are a very special part of my lifeline and I treasure your company, truly.
Saturday, 13 December 2014
Wednesday, 3 December 2014
The upcoming full Cold Moon is pulling me in. Visible through the day as well as at night, this one seems to have a mental tractor beam on me. It's been telling me I only have until Saturday to decide. That I need to make some decisions, even if they're only short term. I stood in the dark field this evening and could not take my eyes off this moon. All I could hear was,'Time's running out...are you ready? You've got two days to prepare.'
For the last week or so - perhaps since the new moon now that I think of it - I've had the feeling that I'm standing, again, on the edge of a cliff. I know on some level that I should jump but every time I've approached this point before I have dithered and missed my chance. This isn't a jump in a negative sense, it's just a jump that would leave behind some aspects of who I have been. Leave them behind forever (gasp). These aspects are/were genuine, real parts of me that are no longer needed. There are new ones ready to be taken for a spin. New wings that haven't yet taken me to the air. I should jump; that much is clear.
And yet the dithering is there in the background. Way quieter this time but still, wondering where it is I think I'm going to land. What will happen? What can I plan for? What should I do to be ready for the flight? What should I pack? Do I need shots? And, here's a big one, how will I explain it to people who know me? The dithery me is fine, in theory, with the jumping, she just seems to need to fill in some forms first. Make some lists. Know stuff.
And now my intuition, my guides, my gut...all telling me that I can't know. That's kind of the point. And pointing out that I'm not going to be jumping far; this is more like a hop. The big stuff is already established. This jump is all about the faith, the trust, the confidence and the readiness to leave the old ways behind. Knowing only that there are new ways ready and waiting...I just can't see them in advance.
I need some time to meditate on this. To feel my way around it and relax. Except there's the small matter of a busy life in the way. I'm working at my desk job Thursday and Friday. Evie needs me doing stuff with her (nine year olds stay up as late as I do it seems - gone are my hours of quiet in the evening). Saturday is Beagle Day so I'm busy until early afternoon and then...dinner, family, dogs, life. All the things I'm so lucky to have. And yet, honestly, today I feel as if I would really benefit from three days alone somewhere, just me and the moon.
I am not ready. I haven't dusted off my faith and trust. Can't remember where I left either of them. I'm not feeling calm or prepared in any way.
Of course Saturday may come and go with absolutely nothing happening. In which case I shall no doubt believe that I have again missed my chance to jump. Even though I have no idea what 'jump' actually means in this context.
Two nights ago I dreamt I was in a high building looking out of the window. Level with the window I could see a heron flying but held in one place by a head wind it couldn't beat. Now and then it would circle back and try again but still it flew 'on the spot'. I called out to people to come and watch but only I could see it. There was no struggle for the heron, it was almost play. I think this is something I need to think on. Before Saturday.
No wonder they say La Luna, when full, brings out the lunatic in us all. I'm spinning like a top.